What We Deserve

This took us a long time to understand. With every miscarriage, we took it as God saying “No,” “You are unfit”, or “You aren’t good enough.”  We got mad, downright angry.  Our prayers turned into fights with God.  We would constantly challenge Him that if He wasn’t going to let us keep the child, why would He let us get pregnant?  Why did He let our hopes get high again and again to only take the baby back?  Why would he let the heart start beating if it was going to stop?  We took it personal.

Now we understand that it is not about us or our plans. When we look back on our experiences, we realize that God has been planning this journey for us long before we knew Him. That everything He allowed us to experience, good and bad, has shaped us for the walk he has planned for us. He knows what He is doing. His plan will always be better than ours. Because of His plan, we will get the opportunity to experience a family we never could have dreamed of before.

Eternally grateful,
Danny and Andrea

Changing Views

When Danny and I were first married, we would have conversations about what our family would look like and how many children we would have.  I would daydream about our children looking just like my husband.  When we were blessed with Graham, he was a dream come true.  He looks just like his daddy and even has some of the personality traits of his mom. 

My daydreams have changed with the times.  Now that we are adopting, it is hard to imagine what our child is going to look like.  We know they will be a boy or girl J but we have no idea what color eyes they might have, what shape nose, how tall they will be, what color or texture hair they might have, or even what color their skin tone will be.  Because adoption is so different than having a baby, there is a little more training that is needed to get ready for this opportunity. 

The first thing we started doing was reading more about adoption.  When reading some of these articles, it would address, in one way or another, that adoptive families have more hurdles to overcome than naturally built families.  There was a time when I felt like that those hurdles were going to be challenging enough for us.  But, as Danny and I would talk more and more, the race of our future child would often came up.  

I am not going to lie; I had some anxiety about adopting a child that was not white.  Some of my biggest worries were about what people could say, how we would be able to support the child’s culture, how I would be able to meet their hairstyling needs, and how others could treat us for being a mixed family.  When we met with Amy during our meeting in August, I addressed those concerns.  She validated that my apprehension was justifiable but challenged me to understand more about my concerns to see if they were something that I could overcome. 

After we turned in our application on August 10, we learned that Sunny Ridge has two classes that are offered to prospective adoptive families to help them address and understand the complexities that can be involved in building a family through adoption.  One of the classes is a general adoption series that will help us address and prepare for some of the challenges that can come along with adopting.  We just registered for this series!  The class will meet on November 3^rd, 10^th, and 17^th.

The other class is offered to individuals or families that are contemplating to adopt children outside their race.  These classes make up the Transracial Parenting Series.  We decided to take this class first to investigate if adopting a child outside of our race could be possible for us.  This series started on September 29th.

Our first assignment for this class arrived in the mail two weeks before our first class.  It was an 11 page survey called Transracial Adoption Suitability Index.  This survey was divided into four areas of focus that were supposed to help us discover a little about ourselves when it came to the subject of race and culture.    We scored 355 and our assessment stated that “Transracial adoption will offer many challenges that you are inclined and equipped to handle if you choose to do so.”  Again, another choice J.  

When we arrived at our first class, we had the opportunity to address the survey and learn more about our results.  The facilitators for this series stated that three of the four categories would be easy for a person to work on (attitude, lifestyle, and knowledge) but the fourth category (personality) could not be changed.  This actually made me feel better because we scored the highest on the section of our survey that had to do with our personality. 

Later on in that first class, we did an activity that really helped me understand some of the lifestyle changes we need to make for our future children, if they were going to be transracial (any race other than Caucasian).  We each took an empty cup over to a table that had several containers of beads.  Kristi explained that we were going to complete the statements she was reading by placing beads into our cup.  The beads were all different colors and each color was assigned to a race.  The first statement that Kristi read was “The race of my spouse is…”  I placed a white bead in my cup.  Kristi continued with statements about the race of the immediate members of our family, doctor, dentist, co-workers, as well as majorities in the stores we shop in, members of church, families in our neighborhood, children in our schools, etc.  The last statement was “The race of the child I plan on adopting is…”  Since I was trying to be open minded about the race of our future child, I took one of each color bead and placed them in my cup.  Kristi then asked “How comfortable does your child look in your cup?”  At that moment, I saw how segregated my life had become. 

I grew up in up in Dolton, IL. where I started off in the majority and ended up as minority by the start of my high school career.  I always considered myself lucky that I got to live in an environment where I got to experience both ends of the spectrum and everywhere in-between. With the different conversations that would come up in class, I challenged myself quite a bit by journaling why I believed the things I did.  That helped me really reflect on my life experiences, the feelings I had about my childhood, and the perceptions I had about race.  Even though I was surrounded by many different races, I kept asking myself “Was I ever comfortable?”  Simply put…no.  Growing up in the environment I did, I never learned to how to fit in.  I understand what is it was like to be ignored, targeted, bullied, and judged by several races, including my own at times.

When I attended Illinois State University for my undergrad, I only developed relationships with individuals that were the same race as me, partly due to the fact that the swim team I competed on and against was predominately white.  That didn’t mean I didn’t socialize with other races but I felt more comfortable with people that looked the same as me.  When I graduated, I took at job at a middle school in Oak Forest that was primarily white.  After three years, I turned in my letter of resignation in October stating I was leaving the middle school at the end of the school year to seek a position in a high school district for the following school year.  In March, I ended up being offered two jobs in the same district.  One was a full time position at Oak Forest High School and the other was a traveling position between Hillcrest and Tinley Park High School.  I asked the district supervisor to help me make my decision by allowing me a day to visit all three schools so see the different atmospheres those high schools had to offer. 

A couple days later, she showed me around and I knew immediately which position I was going to take.  The white hallways of Oak Forest and the black of Hillcrest were missing an amazing element that Tinley Park High School had to offer…diversity.  I took the traveling position and within three years, I had a full time position offered to me at Tinley Park High School.  I am so grateful for my job.  I can’t imagine teaching anywhere else because of the unique mix of races and personalities in our high school, truly makes it exceptional. 

Going back to my cup, I realized that even though I had developed a level of comfort with my students of all races, I have not pursued opportunities to develop those same relationships with my peers.  My cup was proof of that.  I know now that there are certain races that I should not consider adopting because I do not have the support or presence of those races in my life.  But on the other hand, there are other races that I would be able to support and create opportunities for my future child to be with people of their race and to experience elements of their culture. 

Through these classes, I found that some of my concerns were just fears of the unknown and there were reasons to certain doubts that I had.  I think about that cup every day because that cup could become my child’s reality.  I don’t want my child to feel like they don’t fit in/belong in our lives.  So, I am ready to get uncomfortable.  I will start seeking out opportunities to learn about different cultures, resources that are available in my area and changing some small choices in my life to help our future child possibly feel more comfortable in the life that they will have with us.

Being Led to Our Decision

Danny and I started having serious conversations about children a couple months after we got married. We both agreed that we wanted to be young parents to at least 4 children so starting sooner would be to our advantage. We decided to start trying for a family in May of 2003 after only being married for 9 months. Much to our surprise, we found out we were pregnant on June 3. There were no words to express the excitement that we felt. We told everyone immediately and even started shopping for baby stuff.

On August 6, 2003, we quickly learned that something wasn’t right. Danny took me to the emergency room because we knew that bleeding wasn’t normal during pregnancy. I will never forget that night. They ran tests, an ultrasound and a physical exam. After 3 hours of waiting, the doctor walked in and asked me "when was the last time you ate." I told him that we were in the middle of eating dinner when we left to come to the hospital. He said that he was admitting me because he wanted to get me into surgery tomorrow morning at 6 a.m. Being very confused, I asked what kind of surgery I needed. He looked at me like I was stupid and said “the baby is dead and we need to get it out.” I remember the feeling of complete shock. I became hysterical, saying over and over again “this can’t be, I am 3 months pregnant.” The doctor walked next to me, put his hand on mine and said “this happens to 8 out of 10 women on their first pregnancy so this is normal” and he walked out of the room. I have no idea how long I sat there. I eventually got dressed, feeling completely empty. As I walked out of the room, the nurse stopped me. She asked where I was going. I told her I just wanted to go home and she said “you can’t.” She walked me back into the room and said, “if you try and pass this baby, you could bleed out at home. You have to stay here. Your surgery is scheduled for 6 a.m. and your room is being prepared as we speak.”

I remember calling my parents that night. I woke them out of a deep sleep and told them what had happened. Danny climbed into bed with me and we cried ourselves to sleep. The next morning, they performed the DNC. We agreed to allow the doctors to run tests on the fetal tissue to see if they could determine what went wrong. We left 4 hours later and I spent the rest of the day with my head in Danny’s lap or cuddled up to his chest as we cycled through watching movies, crying and sleeping.

I cried for weeks. I was 24 and had never met anyone that had experienced a miscarriage. I felt so alone. Danny and I started falling apart. We didn’t know how to talk to each other about how we were feeling (anger, disappointment, frustration, isolation, sadness, etc.) We ended up falling apart instead of walking together.

It took almost 2 years of counseling before we were able to rebuild what we lost during the 2 ½ years following that miscarriage. I know now that God was at work in us. We met a counselor that helped us address our own insecurities, feeling, habits, defense mechanisms and coping strategies. She was tough and to the point. I believe to this day, she was the only reason we were able to recover from the damage we caused to our marriage.

She was also the first person to challenge me on the thought that "this life was not about me." She would challenge me on my beliefs or lack thereof. She gave me an address of a church that was down the road from where I lived and told me to check it out if I felt up to it. I remember the first time I told Danny I wanted to go and the fear that my atheist husband would make funny of me, insult me, or talk me out of it. He surprised me that day. He wanted to come with. We walked into this massive church and were instantly intimidated. I remember shaking a couple people’s hands as we walked in, we quickly grabbed the two chairs in the last row closest to the door, so we could escape if it got freaky in there. I remember looking around and thinking to myself that we didn’t belong there. Everyone there looked so…peaceful. I wanted to look like them. I wanted to be them.

The worship team took the stage which was followed by a sermon given by Pastor Jeff. We were completely at ease as we watched him this goofy guy teach about God's word while wearing a cape. I don’t remember exactly he said but I knew walking out of there that I needed to come back again. The drive home was quiet. That night we just watched T.V. At some point, I got to courage to look and Danny and tell him that I wanted to go back again. He agreed and we started attending Faith Church every so often. We didn’t get it but we couldn’t stop trying to understand.

One day we had a huge blowout…it was our rock bottom. We needed to decide if we were going to continue working hard on our marriage or walk away. At the end of our fight, we were both sitting on the kitchen floor, completely exhausted. I looked at him and grabbed the keys. He asked me where I was going and I said “to church…you comin?” We drove in silence, walked in and listened to every word that was said.

Pastor Bob talked about “jumping in.” He challenged the attendees to look at where they were, “are you watching from the edge of the pool or have you jumped in?” At the end of the sermon, Pastor Bob asked the attendees to stand up if they were ready “to jump in and submerge into their walk with God.” Neither one of us moved. I wanted to but was too worried of what Danny thought. We walked out to the car and drove off to get dinner. As we were driving down Route 30, I told Danny that I should have stood up and that I wanted to change because the way I was living my life was no longer working. He also expressed that he should have stood up as well. At that moment, I pulled a U-turn and we went back to Faith Church.

The worship team stood talking at the front while Pastor Bob was talking to a distressed woman. The team introduced themselves to us and we talked about their style of worship when Pastor Bob walked over. We introduced ourselves and told him “we should have stood up.” He invited us into his office where he asked us about our relationship with Christ. We both admitted that we didn’t have a relationship. He asked us if we wanted one and we told him that we didn’t understand. He asked us if we believed in God and we couldn’t answer with certainty. He said that as long as we believed, with even as much faith as small as a mustard seed, that God exists, that we could be saved. That night, we invited Jesus into our hearts.

We took our leap of faith that night and have never been the same. The relationship we have now, it 1000 times stronger than what we started with. The man I am married to is more caring, attractive, supportive, understanding, and loving than that guy I fell in love with 11 years ago. The relationship that I thought was good had been transformed into a relationship that I never thought was possible. I know now that God was preparing us.

Our relationship has experienced a lot over the past 6 years. It has overcome the loss of four additional pregnancies, surgeries, specialists, testing procedures, 2 ½ years of unemployment and severe financial distress. More importantly, our relationship has witnessed many miracles as well. It has allowed us to see the birth of our son, become financially independent, discover our spiritual gift of helping others gain an understanding of their finances, find a church family that is loving and supportive, meet incredible people that we can walk through life with, and gain the courage to start the adoption process.

The family we thought we were going to have has changed just like our relationship. What could have been good is turning out to be a family that is going to be incredible. We have the privilege of allowing God to build our family to be more beautiful than we could have ever imagined.

We have turned in our application for the domestic program that is run by Sunny Ridge Family Center. We are currently enrolled in a Transracial class to help us understand the tools that are needed to possibly support a child of color in today’s society. I don’t know what our child will look like, whether they will be a boy or a girl, but I will know that the child we receive will be loved and accepted by us.

The Start of Our Journey

One question that I have been asked several times over these past couple months is “where did you start?”  I can relate to that question because it is such a big deal.  I started the same way my students do when they want to know something; I jumped on the internet.  I typed in “adoption process” and became really overwhelmed with the number of resources that were out there.  I started clicking on different links and reading as much as I could.  I quickly learned about the types of adoption, some of the costs involved, and the steps that are involved in the adoption process.

All of this research stimulated good conversation between Danny and me about our future child.  How old would they be (baby, toddler, child, teen, etc.)?  Where would they come from (Illinois, United States, or another country)?  What race would this child be (Caucasian, African-American, Asian, Hispanic, etc.)?  Right from the start, we agreed that we did not want a child older than our son (who was going to turn 4 the end of August).  We talked about finding a child between the ages of 6 months – 2 ½ years old join our family because it seemed like all the other families were only interested in babies and we wanted someone that would be closer to our son’s age. 

After I spent several weeks jumping around on the internet to learn what I could, I found out that one of the agencies had an “informational meeting” coming up in two weeks.  I contacted friends of ours that had mentioned adopting in the future to see if they would attend this meeting with us.  Two weeks later, we were driving with our friends to the meeting together.  As we sat in that two-hour meeting, I tried to absorb as much as I could.  I was very overwhelmed learning about the requirements for each type of adoption, information about the China special needs program and the domestic program, the number of children that had been placed over the years, as well as the cost and time that were involved with each.  The whole time I sat in that meeting, I kept waiting for them to talk about the children that were from the United States in the age group we were interested in learning more about.  They never talked about those kids.  So at the end of the meeting, I approached the woman from the domestic program and asked her how many toddlers they had placed.  She said “one” but that was a special situation. By the end of that discussion, I felt that our thought about having an “older” child join our family was not a reasonable expectation. I was defeated, lost, and heart-broken.  What was I supposed to do now?

On the drive home, Danny and I decided to attend additional meetings to learn about other agencies and find out what they had to offer.  A month later, we were sitting in our second agency meeting.  Much of the information we heard was similar to the other agency we had visited but we were there to learn as much as we could.  We were very impressed with the guest speaker who adopted children through the China special needs program.  She was so confident when she spoke about her experience; how her and her husband “knew” they were supposed to adopt from China, their adoptions for each of their three children, and at peace with the road they were traveling.  I wanted her peace.  I wanted her confidence.  Inside, I felt neither.

We had a chance to talk after the guest speaker and both my husband and I agreed we wanted to adopt internationally but didn’t feel that that time was now.  We listened to the women talk about the different programs they had to offer but still did not hear about the children we were looking for.  We stayed after class to talk to the director and found out that our desire to adopt a child that was a couple months to a couple years old was not going to be fulfilled through that agency either.  I asked her for help.  She gave me contact information to other agencies she thought would help us find a child in that age group.  I was very grateful because I finally felt that I had been heard and had the next step was being laid out for me.

I called that contact and four others to find out that the only way to get a child to get a child in the United States is through the foster care system.  Who better to talk to than DCFS itself, right?  I am still waiting for a call back to any of the voicemails I left back in end of June.  So after telling my friend Pam, who works at an adoption agency, about my frustration of trying to find out if foster system was going to be a good fit for our family, including our future child, she referred me to her co-worker Amy.  Amy was a blessing.  Amy talked to me for almost an hour about the foster care system, international adoption as well as the domestic program.  I was so grateful that someone would just talk to me and help me understand what I wanted I so desperately wanted to comprehend.  At the end of our conversation, Amy told me that I could call her if she could help.

Danny and I had several conversations about what our family could look like…we both still saw a toddler but we started to talk about whether that toddler could be a different race than us.

I attended a third agency meeting at the end of July to learn about the different countries they worked with, restrictions that those countries had as well as the requirements for each.  At the end of that meeting, I was very overwhelmed.  I knew nothing about any of those countries.  How do you decide where to adopt from?      

I went home to talk to Danny about all of the new information and we spent several weeks talking about our options.  By the last week in July, my head was spinning.  We had been actively researching adoption options and were no closer to understanding what we were going to do and they next school year was right around the corner.  At the end of one of our conversations, I asked Danny if he would go with me to talk to Amy so we could figure out what we were going to do.  We made our appointment and got to sit down with her on August 2, 2011.  After 1 ½ hours, we walked out of that meeting with clear heads.  We had come to a mutual decision J

"What's New"

I always love asking that question to people when I haven’t seen them in awhile because it allows them the complete freedom to tell me anything they want to about their life without figuring out a way to work it into a conversation. I often get a wide variety of responses…anything from “nothing much” to a complete recap of everything they have done and even what they have thought about doing. I am the type of person that actually prefers the second extreme to that answer. I would rather have more information than nothing. It tells me that a person wants to connect with me and it feels like they trust you with some part of them.

This blog is the way that we have chosen to answer the question “What’s new with you?”

Well…WE ARE ADOPTING!

We have started the adoption process to hopefully be blessed with another child! We are walking in faith for this chapter of our lives because if you would have asked me before this year, “Would you ever adopt,” I would have said no. I would have told you that my husband and I were trying to build our family. I would have informed you that we were having trouble but we were working with several specialists to help us figure out why we were having such a hard time having another baby. It wasn’t until March of this year that I would even let Danny talk to me about adoption because to me, that wasn’t what “I had planned.” It wasn’t until I was done grieving the loss of a failed 5^th pregnancy that I could open my ears to what He was trying to say to me.

We want to share with you so you can be a part of an amazing journey that is starting to take place. We are very excited to share this news with you and would like to invite you to become a follower of our blog so that you can hear “What’s New,” give you the opportunity to ask questions and pray for us while we follow the path that God has put us on.

With lots of love -

Andrea, Danny and Graham Johnson