One question that I have been asked several times over these past couple months is “where did you start?” I can relate to that question because it is such a big deal. I started the same way my students do when they want to know something; I jumped on the internet. I typed in “adoption process” and became really overwhelmed with the number of resources that were out there. I started clicking on different links and reading as much as I could. I quickly learned about the types of adoption, some of the costs involved, and the steps that are involved in the adoption process.
All of this research stimulated good conversation between Danny and me about our future child. How old would they be (baby, toddler, child, teen, etc.)? Where would they come from (Illinois, United States, or another country)? What race would this child be (Caucasian, African-American, Asian, Hispanic, etc.)? Right from the start, we agreed that we did not want a child older than our son (who was going to turn 4 the end of August). We talked about finding a child between the ages of 6 months – 2 ½ years old join our family because it seemed like all the other families were only interested in babies and we wanted someone that would be closer to our son’s age.
After I spent several weeks jumping around on the internet to learn what I could, I found out that one of the agencies had an “informational meeting” coming up in two weeks. I contacted friends of ours that had mentioned adopting in the future to see if they would attend this meeting with us. Two weeks later, we were driving with our friends to the meeting together. As we sat in that two-hour meeting, I tried to absorb as much as I could. I was very overwhelmed learning about the requirements for each type of adoption, information about the China special needs program and the domestic program, the number of children that had been placed over the years, as well as the cost and time that were involved with each. The whole time I sat in that meeting, I kept waiting for them to talk about the children that were from the United States in the age group we were interested in learning more about. They never talked about those kids. So at the end of the meeting, I approached the woman from the domestic program and asked her how many toddlers they had placed. She said “one” but that was a special situation. By the end of that discussion, I felt that our thought about having an “older” child join our family was not a reasonable expectation. I was defeated, lost, and heart-broken. What was I supposed to do now?
On the drive home, Danny and I decided to attend additional meetings to learn about other agencies and find out what they had to offer. A month later, we were sitting in our second agency meeting. Much of the information we heard was similar to the other agency we had visited but we were there to learn as much as we could. We were very impressed with the guest speaker who adopted children through the China special needs program. She was so confident when she spoke about her experience; how her and her husband “knew” they were supposed to adopt from China, their adoptions for each of their three children, and at peace with the road they were traveling. I wanted her peace. I wanted her confidence. Inside, I felt neither.
We had a chance to talk after the guest speaker and both my husband and I agreed we wanted to adopt internationally but didn’t feel that that time was now. We listened to the women talk about the different programs they had to offer but still did not hear about the children we were looking for. We stayed after class to talk to the director and found out that our desire to adopt a child that was a couple months to a couple years old was not going to be fulfilled through that agency either. I asked her for help. She gave me contact information to other agencies she thought would help us find a child in that age group. I was very grateful because I finally felt that I had been heard and had the next step was being laid out for me.
I called that contact and four others to find out that the only way to get a child to get a child in the United States is through the foster care system. Who better to talk to than DCFS itself, right? I am still waiting for a call back to any of the voicemails I left back in end of June. So after telling my friend Pam, who works at an adoption agency, about my frustration of trying to find out if foster system was going to be a good fit for our family, including our future child, she referred me to her co-worker Amy. Amy was a blessing. Amy talked to me for almost an hour about the foster care system, international adoption as well as the domestic program. I was so grateful that someone would just talk to me and help me understand what I wanted I so desperately wanted to comprehend. At the end of our conversation, Amy told me that I could call her if she could help.
Danny and I had several conversations about what our family could look like…we both still saw a toddler but we started to talk about whether that toddler could be a different race than us.
I attended a third agency meeting at the end of July to learn about the different countries they worked with, restrictions that those countries had as well as the requirements for each. At the end of that meeting, I was very overwhelmed. I knew nothing about any of those countries. How do you decide where to adopt from?
I went home to talk to Danny about all of the new information and we spent several weeks talking about our options. By the last week in July, my head was spinning. We had been actively researching adoption options and were no closer to understanding what we were going to do and they next school year was right around the corner. At the end of one of our conversations, I asked Danny if he would go with me to talk to Amy so we could figure out what we were going to do. We made our appointment and got to sit down with her on August 2, 2011. After 1 ½ hours, we walked out of that meeting with clear heads. We had come to a mutual decision J
All of this research stimulated good conversation between Danny and me about our future child. How old would they be (baby, toddler, child, teen, etc.)? Where would they come from (Illinois, United States, or another country)? What race would this child be (Caucasian, African-American, Asian, Hispanic, etc.)? Right from the start, we agreed that we did not want a child older than our son (who was going to turn 4 the end of August). We talked about finding a child between the ages of 6 months – 2 ½ years old join our family because it seemed like all the other families were only interested in babies and we wanted someone that would be closer to our son’s age.
After I spent several weeks jumping around on the internet to learn what I could, I found out that one of the agencies had an “informational meeting” coming up in two weeks. I contacted friends of ours that had mentioned adopting in the future to see if they would attend this meeting with us. Two weeks later, we were driving with our friends to the meeting together. As we sat in that two-hour meeting, I tried to absorb as much as I could. I was very overwhelmed learning about the requirements for each type of adoption, information about the China special needs program and the domestic program, the number of children that had been placed over the years, as well as the cost and time that were involved with each. The whole time I sat in that meeting, I kept waiting for them to talk about the children that were from the United States in the age group we were interested in learning more about. They never talked about those kids. So at the end of the meeting, I approached the woman from the domestic program and asked her how many toddlers they had placed. She said “one” but that was a special situation. By the end of that discussion, I felt that our thought about having an “older” child join our family was not a reasonable expectation. I was defeated, lost, and heart-broken. What was I supposed to do now?
On the drive home, Danny and I decided to attend additional meetings to learn about other agencies and find out what they had to offer. A month later, we were sitting in our second agency meeting. Much of the information we heard was similar to the other agency we had visited but we were there to learn as much as we could. We were very impressed with the guest speaker who adopted children through the China special needs program. She was so confident when she spoke about her experience; how her and her husband “knew” they were supposed to adopt from China, their adoptions for each of their three children, and at peace with the road they were traveling. I wanted her peace. I wanted her confidence. Inside, I felt neither.
We had a chance to talk after the guest speaker and both my husband and I agreed we wanted to adopt internationally but didn’t feel that that time was now. We listened to the women talk about the different programs they had to offer but still did not hear about the children we were looking for. We stayed after class to talk to the director and found out that our desire to adopt a child that was a couple months to a couple years old was not going to be fulfilled through that agency either. I asked her for help. She gave me contact information to other agencies she thought would help us find a child in that age group. I was very grateful because I finally felt that I had been heard and had the next step was being laid out for me.
I called that contact and four others to find out that the only way to get a child to get a child in the United States is through the foster care system. Who better to talk to than DCFS itself, right? I am still waiting for a call back to any of the voicemails I left back in end of June. So after telling my friend Pam, who works at an adoption agency, about my frustration of trying to find out if foster system was going to be a good fit for our family, including our future child, she referred me to her co-worker Amy. Amy was a blessing. Amy talked to me for almost an hour about the foster care system, international adoption as well as the domestic program. I was so grateful that someone would just talk to me and help me understand what I wanted I so desperately wanted to comprehend. At the end of our conversation, Amy told me that I could call her if she could help.
Danny and I had several conversations about what our family could look like…we both still saw a toddler but we started to talk about whether that toddler could be a different race than us.
I attended a third agency meeting at the end of July to learn about the different countries they worked with, restrictions that those countries had as well as the requirements for each. At the end of that meeting, I was very overwhelmed. I knew nothing about any of those countries. How do you decide where to adopt from?
I went home to talk to Danny about all of the new information and we spent several weeks talking about our options. By the last week in July, my head was spinning. We had been actively researching adoption options and were no closer to understanding what we were going to do and they next school year was right around the corner. At the end of one of our conversations, I asked Danny if he would go with me to talk to Amy so we could figure out what we were going to do. We made our appointment and got to sit down with her on August 2, 2011. After 1 ½ hours, we walked out of that meeting with clear heads. We had come to a mutual decision J
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